


Serious Allegations

by poselikeateam



Series: The Witcher: Director's Cut [4]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Changeling Jaskier | Dandelion, Changelings, Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fae Jaskier | Dandelion, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, Idiots in Love, Immortal Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion Has ADHD, Jaskier | Dandelion Loves Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Jaskier | Dandelion is a Noble, John Mulaney References, M/M, Non-Human Jaskier | Dandelion, POV Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Protective Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Soft Jaskier | Dandelion, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26410876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poselikeateam/pseuds/poselikeateam
Summary: Geralt is concerned that the reason Jaskier never talks about his family may be something sinister. Jaskier assures him that no, it's nothing serious, they're justexhausting. To prove his point, he tells Geralt stories from his childhood, including somehow being blamed for an accident that took a princess' life in another kingdom.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: The Witcher: Director's Cut [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912885
Comments: 11
Kudos: 271





	Serious Allegations

**Author's Note:**

> This can be a stand-alone, but I consider it in the same 'verse as the other John Mulaney one. I'm thinking of making a Jaskier Mulaney series. We'll see. Also, this is entirely the fault of @Kitty_Sama, whose comment on that fic was "jaskier killed princess diana"
> 
> I also wanted to add that somehow I mixed up Nancy Grace and Nancy Drew in my head, but we are living with that

It gets to the point that the two of them are in a committed, romantic relationship before Geralt actually realises it. Actually, and this is fucking embarrassing, he realises it while they're planning their wedding. 

See, for all the things his bard never shuts the fuck up about, there's one topic Geralt has never heard him talk much about. He knows that Jaskier is, technically, a viscount, and that he's from Lettenhove, and that his mother is the countess. He knows that Jaskier left home relatively young and never once regretted passing on his inheritance. He knows that Jaskier rarely, if ever, goes to visit. He knows that Jaskier is a changeling, and that _the fae don't just steal children, Geralt, we exchange them, there's a huge difference_ , so he thinks that Jaskier's parents are probably aware? He isn't entirely sure, though. He also knows that Jaskier has never mentioned his father, and has only mentioned his mother when drunk.

His first thought, of course, is that it's none of his business. He tries not to think about it, but he also worries. For all Jaskier nags him about being _the very definition of repression_ , how much of it has been projection? Has Jaskier been repressing his negative memories and emotions? 

Now all he can think about is that someone has hurt Jaskier. He has to bring it up, but he has no idea how. He is absolutely going to fuck it up. He has to bring it up, though. He has to.

He doesn't.

Jaskier brings it up first, because Geralt has been, in his words, _an absolute nervous wreck, and worse, not paying me any attention!_ And when Geralt haltingly explains that he doesn't want to dredge up any bad memories and Jaskier is absolutely welcome to tell him to fuck off and he'll never bring this up again, but he's... worried, alright, he's worried that someone or something in Jaskier's past has hurt him—

And Jaskier shushes him, because Geralt hasn't done a very good job of explaining _at all_ and it's left the bard with more questions than answers. When Geralt finally explains that Jaskier never talks about his family, Jaskier blinks owlishly at him. 

"I'm... touched, darling, but I didn't mean to worry you like that," Jaskier says pleasantly. "Nothing really happened, I just wasn't happy there. I love my parents but they can be... hoo boy, they can really be a bit overbearing."

Now the bard launches into an explanation of his family, of what they're like. He starts telling stories in that animated way of his, as though he's speaking to a large audience, and Geralt is, for once, content to just sit back and listen. 

"My parents are both nobles," he begins, already sounding intense, "they are BOTH nobles, and sometimes they would be like they were judging a legal dispute with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said, 'Good night, Julian! Did you brush your teeth?' and I said, 'Yes', But here’s the thing." Jaskier leans in, looks left and right in a faux-surreptitious way, pretending to make sure no one is listening. Then, with a mischievous smile, he stage whispers, "I hadn't."

He then pushes away from the witcher dramatically, turning on his heel and becoming suddenly excessively serious. "But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything." Jaskier pauses in his story, because that makes Geralt laugh, a little, which in turn makes Jaskier grin widely before he continues. 

"So my dad comes back in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush." Jaskier holds his hand up next to his head, as if he were holding a toothbrush. His voice becomes stern as he imitates his father. "He says, 'Julian, is this your toothbrush?' and I said 'Yes', and he said, 'So we agree that this is your toothbrush?'" As he speaks, Jaskier moves his hand to emphasise the imaginary toothbrush he is pretending to hold. 

"But he said, 'Julian, this toothbrush is'," and Jaskier quickly looks down and then back up again, "'bone dry'. Yeah, like he looked down and said, 'bone dry'." Again, Jaskier makes a big show of quickly looking at the toothbrush. Geralt's shoulders are shaking with silent laughter.

Jaskier spins around dramatically again as he continues, "He said, 'You lied to me!' and I said 'Dad'," and here he holds up one finger with a ridiculously serious expression, "'I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight!" He then points off to the side somewhere and adds, "And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself'."

Geralt honestly thinks that's the end of it, because Jaskier starts fiddling with something. It's a bad habit he's picked up from Geralt — occasionally, he'll end a conversation with his soon-to-be-husband by just walking off or doing something else. Half of the time he wanders back and continues where they'd left off, having simply been momentarily distracted. It turns out that in this instance, that is the case. Jaskier wanders back over, now carrying his lute in his hand; apparently this is one of those times that he needs to occupy his hands in order for the rest of him to stay focused. 

After getting comfortable again, he says, "My mom’s also a countess. She was a different kind of countess with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace." And Geralt is familiar with the series of children's stories about a young woman who solves mysteries, but only because there had been a point where Ciri was absolutely _obsessed_ with them. "She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick.

"My mom would blame me for things that happened in the news," he continues. He sets his lute down, then very dramatically turns his head to look at Geralt, smiling widely. "That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, 'I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Beauclair'." His impersonation of his mother is a higher, more frantic sounding voice, and a nearly alarming amount of head-shaking. 

Now, the bard turns on his heel, taking a few steps to the side. Geralt can't figure out how he can turn any space he inhabits into a stage. 

"Like I had something to do with it!" His tone is scandalised, eyes wide, one hand on his chest. It's the face he makes when he wants people to think he is innocent, which is why it never works on Geralt. He's long since known by this point that if Jaskier wants to look innocent, it means he's anything but. He can only assume that Jaskier uses it now, when he's actually innocent, because he wants to pretend it's possible he's actually guilty. 

He gives his younger self a defensive tone as he adds, "I was like, 'Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the hearth, it’s warm.' Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Lettenhove and _twelve_." 

"Alright," Geralt says tonelessly, though he also doesn't bother to hide how amused he actually is. "I get it. I'll never ask again. Please, make the torture stop." 

"Oh, you jest now, but just you wait, Geralt of Rivia. Marriage will make you soft, mark my words!" he says, poking Geralt in the chest with mock outrage. The witcher just shakes his head. He doubts he could ever reasonably be called _soft_ , but stranger things have happened to him in Jaskier's company.


End file.
